Bitter or Sweet?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the way I act towards others. Some days I come off as the sweetest human being to ever grace this earth, but then some days I am none other than Satan himself. Recently I moved back to my home town after living in California for two years and I truly believe that it has affected me in a negative way. I don’t want anyone to think that moving back didn’t have its perks, but it most certainly had its flaws as well. Now I can’t blame moving back to my home town has an excuse as to why I am being such a bitch, but I can say it does have a slight part in it. While living in California I felt the happiest I had ever been before despite certain situations I had gotten myself into. I discovered a lot about myself while residing down there. I experienced responsibility, love, heartbreak, self-worth, the law, and what it is like to actually work for the things you desire. I feel like leaving California kind of made me leave all of what I had learned behind only to return to the person I was before I moved there. My home town makes me miserable. I mean I do love my friends, my family, my wonderful boyfriend, and being in the city, but I just feel as if I don’t fit in here. My personality is too big. In California I was always smiling, I was always ready to take on the day, and most importantly I didn’t let anything get in my way of reaching my goals.

Justin, my first boyfriend in California actually taught me a lot about being a positive person. When I first moved down there I had such a negative attitude and he showed me a new way of life, he showed me “The Secret.” Now this documentary isn’t for everyone and not everyone is going to believe in it, but I did and I still do. Without him introducing that to me I believe that I wouldn’t have looked at life in a positive way, I would have just continued to be a raging bitch. I appreciate him everyday for sharing with me something that I never knew I needed. Anytime I was having a negative thought I would immediately think of something positive and tell myself that everything will be okay or that whatever the negative outcome could be that it will never happen. With that being said, Justin isn’t the only person who taught me a lot about myself and I could ramble on forever about every individual that helped me better understand things, but I think I will spare  you all the details.

I truly believe that the past month and a half has been such an emotional roller coaster for me because I have simply lost touch with who I am and how important it is to be positive. My decrease in happiness has been so unbearable for anyone who surrounds themselves with me and it makes me so upset to see that. I don’t like being the guy that ruins everyone’s mood or the guy that everyone talks shit about when not in the room. I have noticed that I need to actually work on becoming a sweeter person again and not being so bitter. I need to realize that not everything in my life is so negative and that I actually have some of the most amazing things happening for me in this current stage of my life. The one thing I wish that some of the most important people in my life would understand is that I am nowhere near perfect. I want them to be able to understand that I am not a negative person at all, I just lost touch of the person I was before I moved back home. Being able to eliminate negative thoughts and only thinking positively isn’t easy for anyone to do. I know that it took me awhile to get into the habit of doing it, but once I started it only made my life that much better. Some of you reading this may think this whole post is just a huge ramble and maybe it is, but at the end of the day it is helping me release some built up thoughts I have had over the past month and a half and being able to talk about it makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better.  Starting today I will be working on being that person I was in California and not letting the old me get in the way because I don’t want anything to effect the happiness I have between myself and my world.


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